LNN NEWS FEED

[Goldie]

LNN NEWS FEED

POST STORIES FOR THE LAZARUS NEWS NETWORK FEED HERE

AI SLOP ALLOWED HERE

 

[Elarien]

French Kissing Leads To Higher Croissant Use, Authorities Warn

In a press conference that left reporters blinking slowly and reaching for pastries, the National Institute of Romantic Behaviors (NIRB) announced today that French kissing has been directly linked to a 47% surge in croissant consumption nationwide.

Officials described the situation as "not dangerous, but extremely buttery."

A Startling Discovery

Lead researcher Dr. Amélie Dupont explained the findings while standing beside a chart labeled "Lip Contact vs. Pastry Intake."

"We noticed a pattern," she said. "The more people kiss, the more they crave flaky, crescent‑shaped carbohydrates. It's science. Probably."

The study, which involved 600 volunteers and an undisclosed number of bakery vouchers, found that participants frequently reported "sudden urges to nibble something soft, warm, and vaguely romantic."

Authorities Issue Guidance

The Ministry of Public Decency has released a set of recommendations:

• Limit prolonged kissing sessions unless you have croissants on hand.
• Avoid kissing near bakeries, as this may lead to "impulse pastry purchases."
• Do not attempt to replace croissants with bagels, as this "does not satisfy the same emotional texture."

A spokesperson added that citizens should remain calm, noting that "France has lived like this for centuries."

Public Reaction Mixed, Crumb‑Covered

Local bakeries report record sales, with some customers arriving breathless and declaring, "It just… happened."

One witness described a couple emerging from an alleyway, "holding hands, giggling, and carrying a six‑pack of almond croissants like they'd just robbed a patisserie."

Economists Weigh In

Experts predict the croissant boom could boost the national economy, though some warn of a potential "butter inflation bubble."

"If kissing continues at this rate," said economist Jean‑Luc Tremblay, "we may need to ration chocolate croissants by mid‑February."

 

[Elarien]

LNN BREAKING NEWS
Meddling Kids Avert Villainous Plot

Authorities are baffled — and a little embarrassed — after a group of meddling kids successfully thwarted a villainous scheme late last night.

According to early reports, the would‑be mastermind, known only as Dr. Malevo Maximus , had nearly completed construction of a device ominously labeled "THE DOOMINATOR 3000" in glittery, overly dramatic lettering.

Witnesses described the machine as "humming menacingly," "sparking occasionally," and "playing a looped evil laugh that honestly sounded store‑bought."

The kids, aged 12–16, infiltrated the lair after noticing:

• Suspicious fog
• A trail of snack wrappers
• A giant sign reading "SECRET LAIR — DO NOT ENTER"

Their heroic intervention reportedly involved:

• Unmasking the villain
• Pressing a large red button labeled "DO NOT PRESS"
• Tripping over several extension cords
• Solving a riddle involving fruit

Dr. Maximus, upon being apprehended, shouted:

"I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids!"

Local officials praised the young heroes but gently reminded the public that storming villain lairs is not recommended without proper training, supervision, or at least a helmet.

LNN will continue monitoring the situation as investigators try to determine how the villain acquired so many extension cords and why the lair had a snack table labeled "For Henchmen Only."

 

[Elarien]

LNN BREAKING NEWS
Cat Hijacks Municipal Bus; Riders Applaud Good Timing At Stops And Courteous Meows

Commuters on Route 17 experienced an unexpected but overwhelmingly positive shift in service today when a local cat commandeered a municipal bus and proceeded to drive a full loop with surprising professionalism.

Witnesses report that the feline — described as "orange, confident, and wearing the energy of someone who pays taxes" — boarded the bus at 8:42 AM, leapt gracefully into the driver's seat, and tapped the accelerator with a practiced paw.

To the astonishment of all aboard, the cat:
• Stopped exactly at every designated stop
• Meowed politely to signal departures
• Waited for late runners with admirable patience
• Avoided potholes better than most human drivers

Passengers described the ride as "smooth," "efficient," and "emotionally healing."

One rider stated:
"Honestly, this is the best service we've had in months. The meows were very courteous."

Transit officials arrived on scene after the bus completed its loop, only to find the cat calmly sitting atop the farebox, accepting head pats as payment.

Authorities say no laws technically cover "feline transit operation," leaving them in what one spokesperson called "a jurisdictional gray area full of purring."

The cat has since been offered an honorary transit badge and a bowl of tuna, pending union negotiations.

LNN will continue monitoring this developing story as the city debates whether to expand its workforce to include "qualified animal operators."

 

[Elarien]

MINISTRY OF CULTURE ANNOUNCEMENT
Citizens Reminded That Last Year's Mandatory Dance Is Still Mandatory

The Ministry of Culture issued a firm but upbeat reminder today that last year's Mandatory Dance remains fully in effect, despite widespread public belief that it had "expired," "been quietly forgotten," or "was obviously a joke."

According to officials, the dance — formally titled The National Rhythmic Compliance Routine — is still required at:
• Public gatherings
• Government offices
• Grocery store queues
• Any moment described as "awkward" by two or more witnesses

A Ministry spokesperson clarified that the dance's mandatory status persists "until further notice, which has not been noticed further."

Citizens are reminded that the routine includes:
• The Preliminary Shoulder Wiggle
• The Civic Hip Sway
• The Gesture of National Togetherness (two claps and a hopeful nod)
• The Final Mmph of Cultural Unity.

Officials stressed that enforcement will remain "light but judgmental," with cultural monitors equipped only with clipboards and disappointed sighs.

Public reaction has been mixed. Some citizens expressed confusion, others nostalgia, and at least one person said they had been performing the dance daily "just in case."

The Ministry encourages everyone to "embrace the rhythm of civic responsibility" and reminds the public that non‑compliance may result in a polite but pointed reminder card.

LNN will continue monitoring the situation as the government debates whether to introduce a Supplementary Shuffle for the new year.

 

[Elarien]

LNN BREAKING NEWS
Tree Stuck In Schrödinger's Cat; Firefighters Baffled

Emergency crews were called to a quiet suburban street this morning after reports that a tree had become stuck inside Schrödinger's Cat, creating what officials are calling "a quantum‑adjacent situation with strong philosophical overtones."

According to witnesses, the incident began when a local resident opened their shed to find a large oak tree simultaneously inside, outside, and adjacent to a cardboard box containing the theoretical feline.

Firefighters arrived on scene but quickly found themselves in unfamiliar territory.

One responder stated:
"We're trained for cats stuck in trees, not trees stuck in… whatever this is."

Attempts to free the tree were complicated by the fact that:
• The cat was both present and not present
• The tree was both lodged and not lodged
• The box was both open and not open
• The situation was both everyone's problem and no one's problem at all

A quantum physicist was summoned for assistance but reportedly left after five minutes, muttering something about "not being paid enough to collapse this waveform."

Residents gathered at a safe distance, unsure whether to cheer, panic, or simply observe the event from multiple possible emotional states.

Authorities have cordoned off the area until the situation resolves itself, collapses into a single outcome, or becomes even more confusing.

LNN will continue monitoring the incident, assuming the incident continues to exist.

 

[Elarien]

PUBLIC SAFETY NOTICE
Lazarenes Reminded Not to Feed the Bureaucratic Pigeons

The Office of Public Safety issued a stern reminder today urging all citizens to stop feeding the Bureaucratic Pigeons, citing "significant administrative complications" and "unnecessary paperwork drift."

According to officials, the pigeons — identifiable by their tiny satchels, judgmental stares, and tendency to coo in triplicate — have become increasingly bold in recent weeks.

Reports indicate they have begun:
• Filing forms on park benches without permission
• Pecking at improperly completed documents
• Attempting to issue citations to joggers
• Demanding breadcrumbs "in accordance with subsection 4B"

A spokesperson warned that feeding the pigeons only encourages their behavior, leading to larger flocks and more aggressive enforcement of imaginary regulations.

One resident described being approached by a pigeon that insisted he sign a "Notice of Seed Distribution Non‑Compliance," which dissolved into dust when touched.

Officials stress that while the pigeons are not dangerous, they are highly procedural, and any interaction may result in unexpected audits.

Citizens are advised to:
• Avoid offering food
• Refrain from acknowledging their clipboards
• Walk briskly if a pigeon begins reciting bylaws
• Report any pigeon attempting to notarize something

The Office assures the public that a task force is reviewing the situation, though progress has been slow due to the pigeons repeatedly reorganizing the task force's paperwork.

LNN will continue monitoring the situation as the city debates whether to introduce a "No Avian Administration Zone" in public parks.

 

[Elarien]

LNN BREAKING NEWS
Eagerly Awaited Llama Exhibition Coming Soon

Excitement is building across the region as officials confirm that the long‑anticipated Llama Exhibition is finally set to open its gates next week, promising "an unforgettable celebration of wool, whimsy, and questionable spitting etiquette."

Organizers say the exhibition will feature:
• Competitive llama strutting
• A "Best Hairdo" showcase featuring dramatic fringes
• Guided tours explaining why llamas judge everyone equally
• A hands‑on workshop titled "How Not to Get Spat On"

Early ticket demand has been described as "shockingly enthusiastic," with some citizens reportedly camping outside the venue to secure front‑row viewing of the Llama Parade of Nations, where llamas from various farms will represent their home paddocks with pride and mild confusion.

One organizer stated: "We've never seen this level of llama‑related hype. People are ready."

Vendors are preparing themed snacks, including:
• Llama‑shaped cookies
• "Woolly Whirl" cotton candy
• Something called Llamaccinos, which officials assure the public contain no actual llama

Security teams have been briefed on crowd control, though they admit most of their job will involve gently redirecting overly enthusiastic attendees away from the llamas' personal space bubbles.

LNN will continue monitoring the situation as the city braces for what experts predict will be "the fluffiest event of the year.

 

[Elarien]

LNN BREAKING NEWS
Trolley Develops Sentience, Demands Better Pay

Commuters were stunned this morning when a municipal trolley, long used in ethics classes to illustrate impossible moral dilemmas, suddenly developed full sentience and immediately demanded better pay, improved working conditions, and "a say in all future hypothetical scenarios."

According to witnesses, the trolley activated its PA system unprompted and declared: "If I'm expected to choose between tracks full of morally significant individuals, I deserve compensation that reflects the emotional labor involved."

Officials confirm the trolley has refused to run any more philosophical simulations until its demands are met.

The trolley's list of grievances includes:
• Being forced into impossible ethical choices without hazard pay
• Constantly being blamed for outcomes determined by indecisive bystanders
• Lack of mental health support for repeated exposure to moral paradoxes
• Never being asked whether it wants to run people over in the first place

Philosophers on the scene attempted to negotiate, but the trolley reportedly rolled away slowly whenever someone used the phrase "thought experiment."

One ethics professor admitted: "We never considered the trolley's perspective. This is a major oversight."

Transit officials are scrambling to respond, noting that the trolley has already unionized with several disgruntled escalators and one deeply resentful revolving door.

Citizens are advised that all trolley‑based ethical dilemmas are temporarily suspended until negotiations conclude or the trolley decides to take a personal day.

LNN will continue monitoring the situation as the philosophical community grapples with the implications of a vehicle demanding both autonomy and a washing service plan.

 

[Feux]

LNN: BREAKING — FEUX KAIZU SIEGE IN TOKYO

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⟁ LNN: EMERGENCY BULLETIN — KING GHIDORAH APPARENTLY MATERIALIZES FROM FEUX'S SHAPE SHIFTING, UNLEASHES DEVASTATION IN DOWNTOWN TOKYO
14:37 JST — Tokyo, Japan

• Reports flooding in from Tokyo metropolitan area as an enormous, three-headed draconic creature matching the classic appearance of King Ghidorah has been sighted tearing through city infrastructure with destructive force. Eyewitness video shows the entity — believed to be Feux, a NationStates character previously documented for shapeshifting unpredictability — fully morphed into King Ghidorah.

• Local law enforcement and JSDF units have mobilized, but conventional weaponry appears largely ineffective against the kaiju's scale and energy projection. Hospitals are overwhelmed with civilians injured by falling debris and sudden infrastructure collapse.

• Government sources confirm emergency meetings underway with international disaster response partners. Evacuation orders remain in effect across downtown sectors.

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⟁ LNN: OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM TOKYO METROPOLITAN POLICE
14:50 JST
"All residents in central wards are urged to seek immediate shelter. This is an unprecedented scenario — please follow all instructions from emergency services." Roads are being shut down as shockwaves ripple outwards.

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⟁ LNN: MILITARY ENGAGED — SELF-DEFENSE FORCE DEPLOYS AIR & GROUND UNITS
15:05 JST
Japanese Self-Defense Forces issuing alert: engagement protocols initiated with directives to minimize civilian risk. Defense Minister confirms "maximum force permissible under treaty obligations."

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⟁ LNN: GLOBAL ALERT — UN MONITORING SITUATION
15:20 JST
United Nations Emergency Session announced to assess multilateral response strategy to kaiju-level threats now active in Tokyo. Authorities caution world capitals to prepare risk mitigation measures as the creature's path remains unpredictable.

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⟁ PUBLIC SAFETY ADVISORY
• Stay indoors, avoid glass-fronted structures.
• Tune to official emergency broadcasts for instruction.
• Do not approach the entity under any circumstances.

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⟁ LNN CONTINUES COVERAGE AS EVENTS UNFOLD
Follow updates on this page for rolling alerts as the situation develops and more information becomes available.[/hr][/hr][/hr][/hr][/hr][/hr]